Varfolomey Diamonds and Jewelry

Diamonds are forever,

They’re all I need to please me,

They can stimulate and tease me,

They won’t leave in the night,

Have no fear that they might,

Desert me.

Today Dan took the long way home from work. Despite the fact that he had stayed late again, despite the fact that Celine would be worried, despite the fact that Daylight Savings Time had just ended and the city was dark, Dan chose to deviate from his regular, direct path to his building, head down and hands in pockets. His thoughts were far away from the street signs and car lights, and it nearly cost him his life as he almost walked into a busy street.

Dan looked up just in time to avoid being bounced down the road; just in time to see an old fluorescent sign, clearly in need of replacement flash to life. It was a jeweler’s store, with signs in both Cyrillic and English saying ‘Varfolomey Jewelry and Diamonds’.

The cars sped by in the night as the sign changed from green to yellow. The cars sped by even faster as the sign changed from yellow to red until stopping and forming a line.

‘DON’T WALK’.

Dan waited.

‘WALK’.

Dan crossed the street and walked to the jeweler’s store. He looked over the place, and entered.

…

Dan stood in front of the microwave, watching the Tupperware inside slowly rotate. Celine stood next to him, talking on the phone.

“Oh yeah? Well, what is it?”

The microwave counted down. 10. 9.

“Yeah…?”

8. 7.

“Ooh, how romantic!”

6. 5.

“Oh my god!”

4. 3.

“Sharon, I’m so happy for you!”

2. 1.

“Okay, I’ll let you go. Ahh! Congratulations!”

The microwave beeped. Dan removed his Chinese food. Celine hung up the phone. She turned to him.

“Oh my god, you’ll never guess what just happened!”

“What?” Dan asked as he lifted the cover off of the Tupperware and the greasy aroma filled the room.

“Martin just proposed to Sharon! Aren’t you excited? They’re going to be married in March, and I’m going to be the maid of honor!”

“Are the dishes clean?”

“Yes.”

Dan opened the dishwasher, retrieved a fork and sat down at the kitchen table. Celine sat down next to him and clung to his arm.

Oh it was so romantic!

Dan chewed.

He took her to so and so restaurant!

Chew chew.

He said this and that!

Swallow.

Dan, don’t you care? You know, it’d be really nice if you could do something romantic like that once in a while you’re always staying late at work why don’t you find some other job you shouldn’t have to work so hard I’m important too you know we’ve been living together for almost a year now don’t you ever want to settle down don’t you want something other than work don’t you love me?

Dan looked up.

“Baby of course I –”

But before he could finish, a pillow and a blanket were thrown onto the couch and the bedroom door was slammed.

Dan wiped his mouth and went to get ready to sleep.

…

“Grigoriy Varfolomey, wake up! Wake up! It’s almost six!”

Grigoriys Varfolomey eyelids crept upward, only to be shut immediately as several pieces of paper flew at him.

“You see? Bills! I don’t know what you’re doing in the store, but you’d better stop and sell some jewelry! Do you year me Grigory Varfolomey? Wake up! It’s almost six!”

Slowly Grigoriy Varfolomey got up, taking care to make the bed and put the bills thrown at him in a neat pile on the nightstand before walking to the bathroom and getting ready to go to work.

…

Grigoriy sat behind the counter, reading a Russian newspaper. It had been another slow day. Perhaps his business would fail. Perhaps then Yasmin would finally leave him. He looked at the pieces in the counter and wondered how much he could get for them.

The bell rang, and a thin, young man in a long coat with his hands in his pockets entered the store. There was an unusually lengthy space between the door and the counter (this was the store’s only defense against robbery) and the two men looked at each other a long time before exchanging a brief greeting.

Dan regarded the jeweler. He was fat and balding and he wore an old, wrinkled shirt and his eyes looked tired and his graying hair looked messy. Dan surveyed the counter and the jeweler went back to reading his newspaper.

Grigoriy regarded the man from behind his newspaper. Grigoriy watched his eyes wander back and forth, this way and that way over the jewelry, ever so slowly coming to rest multiple times on a single piece.

“This one,” said Dan, pointing to the piece. “Could I use that diamond for an engagement ring?”

“Yes,” said Grigoriy, eyes back on the newspaper. “All our pieces can be rings.”

Dan looked at the jeweler. He did not look back up.

“Well,” said Dan. “Could you do that?”

Grigoriy slowly put down the paper, half a scowl on his face, but his eyes widened and his mouth opened when he saw the piece the man was pointing at.

“Sir?”

“Yes, that one right there.”

Grigoriy looked at the man, and then back at the piece.

“Of course,” he said as he took it out.

“How much?”

Grigoriy hesitated, and then named a price, keeping his eyes locked with the man’s the entire time.

The man, seeing nothing unusual about the amount, said nothing, and proceeded to write a check. The two worked out the particulars and a ring of the proper size was selected and placed into a box.

After the man left, Grigoriy looked at the check and was in a brief panic over what he had done. He considered running out after the man. He did not. He looked at the door and frowned. After a while, Grigoriy Varfolomey picked up his newspaper and continued reading.

…

Dan finally proposed, taking Celine to this and that restaurant, getting down on his knee and saying so and so, his efforts earning himself a spot back in the bedroom. Celine was naturally pleased. They attended Martin and Sharon’s wedding and set the date that very day.

Today Dan returned home from work just in time for dinner. He made sure never to stay late at work anymore. It was Celine’s turn to cook and he was looking forward to the meal.

Dan entered the apartment, expecting the smell of good food to greet him but he was instead met with the smell of smoke and the sound of crying. He found Celine seated on the living room couch. She did not look up at him.

Dan went to console her, but decided to turn the stove off first. He moved into the kitchen, only noticing the glass crunch beneath his feet until after he had contained the smoke. Looking down, he saw tiny glittering shards, sprinkled across the floor. Dan closed his eyes for a long time, and the shards shone through his eyelids like stars.

His eyes finally crept upward to Celine on the couch, only to be shut immediately as she threw her ring at him.

King of Kings

The legend of Ozzy Mandias began in a simple bookstore, of which he was the proprieter. This bookstore was located in a distant and ancient land called Wilderness. The bookstore, which was called "Ozzy's Bookstore" was normal enough, and as for business, Ozzy earned a decent enough living. However, this changed drastically after Ozzy had an idea that would change the land of Wilderness forever.

Soon after Ozzy came up with his idea, his patrons discovered its nature. Newly placed in the bookstore, right next to the cash register was a brand new fountain soda machine. Ozzy had met a traveler from a foreign land selling the new drink, called Coca-Cola, along with a number of other brands owned by and affiliated with the original drink, such as Barq's root beer, Dasani water, and Dr. Pepper. Ozzy went into a partnership with this traveler, and together they would change Wilderness forever.

The idea caught on, and Ozzy's once quiet bookstore soon bustled with more customers than any of the neighboring stores combined. Ozzy was soon a rich man, and he soon owned the neighboring stores, and the stores neighboring those as well. Fountain soda machines were installed in Ozzy's new acquisitions, and all the citizens of Wilderness soon came to love them for their convenient placement and cold, refreshing flavor after a hard day of shopping.

Ozzy's success was undeniable. A statue was built in his honor, bearing an inscription of his words, and he moved out of his old home, a small apartment above the bookstore, and into a palace on a cliff overlooking the Iteru River and the whole of the land of Wilderness. However, Ozzy's newfound prosperity was not to last.

Soon, a new traveler came to Wilderness, bringing with him a new variety of fountain soda: Pepsi. Disgruntled store owners, struggling to compete with the growing number of Ozzy-owned businesses, were quick to partner with the new traveler. The new machines caught on just as quickly as the old, and it was not long before Wilderness was divided almost perfectly evenly between the two rival drinks. Competition was fierce, and violence emerged as the only solution to breaking the deadlock.

The soda wars erupted quickly, and they were both brutal and fierce. The war raged for years, claiming the lives of many, including Ozzy himself. In the end, Wilderness was left a wasteland, its homes and businesses burned to the ground. Soon, the land was overtaken by the sand, becoming the Wilderness Desert, or in Arabic, the Sahara as it is known today. Shortly before the war began, a single traveler was spotted leaving Wilderness in the deep of night, and indeed, the two travelers who brought Coke and Pepsi to Wilderness were this one man.

History has not forgotten Ozzy Mandias, and though the statue built in his image has long since toppled over, the pedestal still remains, along with two legs, broken at the knees.

OZYMANDIAS OF EGYPT
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said:—Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1818

A Moment of Stillness

There is one moment of stillness I can recall in my life. I was seated on a couch in what was once my living room. A basketball game was on a color television that had been muted. I could hear the wind rustling through the trees in my yard, adding its sound to the secret noises of my empty house. The remote lay on the coffee table, my hands folded on my lap inches away from it. I regarded them, worn and rough, my right palm cool from having held the plastic telephone.

I wondered if they would feel the same way when I grew older and my skin became sunken and wrinkled. I could imagine my veins, then subtle under a middle-aged hide, purple and protruding like wire. Strange, I thought. That my hands could become those of an old man's. That I would become an old man with white hair on my knuckles. I imagined the frailty with which I would pick up the remote, my strength sapped by the years and disuse.

The last time I had seen him was ten years ago. Back then, he looked much as I do now, his hands worn and rough, while mine were soft and smooth as a child's. I was waving them around, making dramatic gestures to him, while his were clenched, his knuckles growing pale and his veins become clear against his skin. As I walked away, I felt the few coins in my pocket and thought that they would take me to freedom, independence, and a world of my own.

As I sat in my house, I could still recall the last time I saw him, his face grave, a mask for the anger, disappointment, and perhaps even fear he must have felt, just as I did. But he remained after the door shut quietly behind me, and I left. I realize now that I will never have what was inside that door again. And in what was once my living room, the same thought, that I would never again have that moment of stillness, never occured to me.

It was soon over, my stillness interrupted by the noise of my phone, its alarm signaling its need to be hung up. Startled, I quickly put the handset back in its place, my hand coming to rest on the cool plastic, reminding me of a door handle I closed a long time ago, a door I had walked away from, and a father's face, one I now would never see again.

Thug Life

Come on Will, it'll be easy, we said. You know where it is, just take it and we'll do it, we said. So Willie took it and we went to the convenience store.

In the car we talked about how badass we were and took turns holding it and posing like we were criminals. We played Notorious B.I.G. and the streets looked real gritty and tough to me. I imagined standing on a corner and looking hard at everyone who passed by. Bobby drove the car like a real gangster, with the seat reclined real far back and with one hand on the wheel. We blasted our music and yelled at the passing cars. We all laughed at them because we were crazy tough. There were five of us, and I sat in the back with Will in the middle.

When we rolled up we talked real loud about what we would do once we were in there. We let Will have the gun since it was his and all. Will was such a wimp anyway, we thought we ought to give him a chance once in a while. Yeah Will, you can do it, we said. Just point it at that guy and tell him to give you the money, we said. You'll be a real gangster. So Willie put his dad's gun in his pants and we went with Willie into the convenience store.

When we got into the store, Willie actually waited on line while we stood guard near the exit. Can you believe it? He actually waited on line to rob a convenience store. When he finally got to the front of the line, Willie talked real low and lifted his shirt up to show the guy his dad's gun. Gimme the money man, he said. Boy, we ran out of there as fast as we could and jumped into Bobby's car. That guy's nuts, we said. Pulling a gun on somebody like that.

After Bobby dropped me off and I had gotten inside, I ran to the window and looked all night at the house across the street to see if Willie would come home. After a while I went over and asked his mom if she had seen him at all that night. When she said no, I walked slowly across the street back to my house. I shivered. It had gotten cold; I could feel a drizzle coming down.

A Real Clown

"Well, I mean... where do you start with a guy like Clyde? We all know how uh, how funny he was of course. I mean he was so successful with uh, with that, of course. You know, before all this, he asked me to wear this tie. Can you believe it? This tie! It's ridiculous! I mean, folks I'm not that, you know, insensitive guy. Ha ha, no no, we're good friends. You know that's how far he'd go for a laugh though, you know? He'd want that.

"I guess I should start with how we, how we came to meet, I guess. Well, ha ha, I guess it's obvious by now that I haven't really prepared anything, and, well I'm sorry if I ramble and ramble. Clyde would always be yelling at me to get to the damn point hahaha. Oh boy I guess I can't say that, I'm sorry. No, no disrespect intended. We uh, me and Clyde first met each other... well... I guess I don't know, to be honest. As far back as I can think we've been best buddies. It's uh... it's uh... it's gonna be pretty weird you know, now.

"Anyway we were always good friends and Clyde well, he'd always be the class clown you know? He'd always be making everyone laugh all the time. I mean it was his way of, I don't know how to say this. I mean we weren't big or athletic, but Clyde, he was funny you know? I think that's why he's so funny, because he knows that. He's big enough to laugh at himself, you know? He was a real pioneer in that respect. And well, I think that's why, he's been so succesful as you all know.

"I mean you could just see him up there in those ridiculous suits ha ha. You know I think the one he has on now is the only decent thing I've ever seen him where ha ha ha. Well ha ha. I mean anyway. You could tell the man loved what he did. Everybody loved him you know? And he lived for it, absolutely lived for it. He'd do anything for a laugh.

"Some of the things he said up there on stage. Killer, abolutely killer. I don't know how he did it. I mean I'd die of embarrasment. But that's the thing, that's the thing about Clyde. He didn't care, as long as he got people to laugh. He put everything out there, you know? Self esteem, who needs it? Ha ha. A bad set to him was, the end, you know? It killed him. Well, it. Well he hated it, I guess those weren't the right, I guess I could have said it better. It was like an addiction ha ha. Well. You know, a healthier kind.

"I'm not going to talk about it here, it's just not right, you know? But... well, I'd never thought we'd all be here like this, you know? Dearly beloved and all that. Such a damn... Well anyway, Clyde. He was. He was a real original. I mean, who else do you know would tell his best buddy to wear this tie to his funeral? It's in the man's will! It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. What a clown! A real... a real clown, he was.

"And you know, it eventually, it became part of the joke for him. He'd always say how much he hated his job, you know the whole uh, the whole comedy thing, how he hated the work. I mean he told me once he thought he was a big stupid clown I think he said. Ha ha. I told him everybody loves clowns, I said that to him: Clyde, everyone loves clowns! And if you don't like it so much, you know, stop doing it then, you know? But that would only make him more uh, agitated. That was pretty hysterical for me, you know. Nobody ever really heard that about him."